Here I am. Feeling quite miserable.
Sick. Overworked. Tired. Emotional.
Get over it. I need to get over it.
I need to focus my energy (the little that I have right now) on being positive. It’s funny how everyone goes through moments of ups and downs. Something called “life”. There’s so much good in the world, but it’s hard to see when you’re surrounded by a thick fog of depression.
The worst part of it is that I know I don’t have it half as bad as most people. In fact, I should be incredibly grateful for what I have. I know that I’m fortunate for this life I’ve created for myself. And I am very grateful. I’m grateful for my children, for my job, my close friends and family. I have a bed to sleep in, food on my table, and my health (other than this simple cold that I’m getting over). My children are healthy and happy. This is all that should really matter. It’s just hard to enjoy it when my mind is sitting in the bottom of a hole wondering how to get out. Wondering how to make things better. Wondering if I’m doing the right things, making the right choices.
I have been listening to the book 11-22-63 by Steven King on Audible lately. It’s a very interesting read that involves a man who is able to go back through time. Sometimes I ask myself, if given the opportunity, would I go back in time to change things for myself? Some days I would love to meet the younger me to give myself advice on how to be more successful. To tell myself to make certain choices rather than others. To give myself guidance. But if I did, would I still be who I am today? Would it make me a better person? Would I be happier? Ultimately, I think not.
We learn through our mistakes. We learn by stressing ourselves to our limits. It helps us grow. If we knew all of the answers, what fun would life be?
I like the person that I’ve become. I need to remember that. There is, after all, only one me. (Though I also believe that we are all connected, but that will be a different blog altogether). I think that if I were able to help others to see thing more positively, it would fill the emptiness that I’ve been feeling.
One thing that I would love to do is foster children. To help someone who has nothing. To give them everything that I can. Love, support, and everything in-between. It will be a goal of mine. Perhaps when my children are older and when I’m financially ready.
I thought veganism was that “void-filler” and it was for a while, but the more I preach veganism, the more I feel that the world is against me. It’s frustrating when friends and family don’t take it as seriously as I do. And I suppose that’s fine, since I used to feel the same way. Not being able to make the connection from the slaughtered animals to what was on my plate. Or maybe it was the lack of caring. I don’t know. Knowing what I know now though, I thought I could help others see it too. But it isn’t so. I feel like giving up. Not on my vegan lifestyle, but on encouraging others to do the same. Society rules all.
In the meantime, I will put more focus on the positive things. The things that I am so lucky to have. And the hope that I can help this world in other ways. Going back in time won’t change a thing. I need to focus on the future. The future of myself, my family, and others. I think I’ll give myself 15 minutes of meditation tonight. To clear my mind. To send out positive vibrations and to be ready to receive them in return. Maybe it’ll help. Maybe it won’t.
‘Til next time. ❤